What do i want from life??

I know i sound a lot like a lost teenager..But i really am. I am very unsure of what i really want from life. I feel so lost. Coming to think of it i feel weird....how come i failed in so many stuff??This is not what i want...but why can't i do something to change this??Anyone out there, if u have any comments just drop them....I need some help...

What a morning?

Hah...what a morning??this is definitely the worst morning i ever had. I was shivering...what else??MPYO audition...i was so nervous that i cranked up the songs i were to play...sighz...but what to expect?i have not been practising since three weeks ago till last night...

'SICK'

Haha...i really feel sick..but not sure what exactly is the sickness....i just don't feel good or happy or err cheerful or whatsoever....why can't Mr. Problems just leave me alone for a while??but i am not sad either...i just have the feeling of hollowness...as a result to all the problems i am facing....Sometimes i wonder....am i going mad??AM I??kler...wanna sign out to bed d....tomorrow will b a big day...the second violin audition in my life!!!hehe..but believe me...i did not really practise them....*laugh out loud* Goodnite, bloggiee.

Not in the mood....

I don't feel like doing anything...I just want to curl myself up in bed and hope that tomorrow never comes. This is not because i want to avoid problems but because i am unable to solve my problems and worries. I feel hopeless and useless at the same time. I lost something i treasured, i had deteriorated memory and brain power due to stress, poor health, poor results i supposed...and of course my wish to enter the music camp and MPYO is crushed....i have done everything i could to prevent these from happening but it remains the same. I FAILED!!

Sighz

I am stricken by anxiety and stress. I really wanted very badly to go to the National Music Camp once again...which was fun when i went there last year...I urged my dad to go to JPN to enquire about it ever since i think...February...All the response he gave was "okok..we will go when the school holidays comes"....well...i understand he is busy. I went to orchestra tonight after having missed it for i think more than two months..i found out that this time around to enter the camp, u need to go through some auditions. Ok but what makes it worse is the audition is TOMORROW...and that also means i wont have the chance to go anymore as pre registration is required. Sighz....moments later....i found out that I will be placed before an experienced, talented, distinction in diploma holder friend of mine for my upcoming audition to enter the Malaysian Philharmonic Youth Orchestra...Not only that, i was told that the audition slot for that whole hour (each person 10minutes) have been lined up for basically all the players from PSO...which also means i will meet back people of whom i know...and they consist of many many young talented violinists. Again, thats another blow for the night...I came home a little worried and panicky. I cranked up while talking on the phone with a friend of mine and my mom (my parents were out).....I don't know what should i do to calm myself down....=s

Determination

Determination?After all the ups and downs, i decided that i have no other choice but to brave the world with the word determination. I am determined to make a change to my life, not to dwell over the past anymore. But somehow i doubt if i could make it. Nobody could give me the assurance except myself...I HAVE TO....n I WILL!!Brave it, face it.

Dwelling Over The Past....

Coming to these, well i think it is the right time for me to express this in my blog.

I met someone very special three years back. It was then i got to know a great friend. He was someone who would always be there for me no matter what. We have been there for each other at times of ups and downs for the past two years till last year. Something quite awesome happened late last year. It was like the start of everything. I see real beauty in my life with his presence near me. However, life is never a bed of roses. We had some misunderstandings and it really affected us very badly.Eventually, a grave decision was made and that totally changes our relationship. The relationship and friendship is ruined. The feelings of togetherness never disappeared from my thoughts. It has been two months since and i have yet to find my path, myself.This question came across my mind, "Are we still friends?" everytime his eyes meet mine. The sorrow and tears in my eyes to me, is nothing as important as the friendship. I really treasure friendships be it special or not. Deep inside i really hope he understands my feelings. All I want is to keep the friendship because to me friends are not objects which you throw when u do not like it anymore. They are the people who will walk side by side with you up and down the hills of life. They are the people who is willing to share with you their thoughts and feelings. As for me, life is nothing without friends especially those near and dear to me. The pain of losing someone nearest and dearest to me is unbearable. Every moment i tried closing my eyes, the pictures of the happiness we had flash through my mind. I feel empty and weak, just like a toddler who falls while trying to take her first step. After all this, I have experience the pain losing a beloved friend. If you happen to read this, please do not have any hard feelings. Besides, i would really want to apologise to any friends of whom i have either directly or indirectly hurt.

Finally....

Finally, the exam is over!Nothing special about that but i have been waiting for this moment..hehe...no doubt the final liberation would be after my SPM, but who cares??I just feel great!Of course, I am not quite expecting any outstanding results this time around.I know i have not worked enough. And for those who do not know, SGGS has came up with a 'brilliant' idea where all students who do not get an A for their papers will be sent a letter to their parents.I am expecting a few letters though..*chuckles* hmm...I just feel great, that's all!!Not feeling great for expecting bad results but feeling great for i do not need to digest anymore facts today!And the joke for the day: While i was doing my EST paper this morning, instead of thinking and visualizing some Bio facts in my mind (Bio paper coming up)..I was actually thinking of what am i going to post later on this blog..haha and counting down the hours of exam left *laugh out loud*...But, what do you expect??i have been having to sit for the papers which in total came up to be more than 25 hours!!and for 10 continuous days!!

Hello Everybody!!

Well, well, well......Finally i decided to create my own blog to express my thoughts and feelings as i realised it is getting harder for me to spill them out through word of mouth...Right, so how is everyone out there?? I hope you guys are doing fine.I am not denying the fact that I am not quite alright. It is sad to say that I have lost a very big part of myself and now in midst of recovering it. Not to be forgotten, i would really want to acknowledge and thank some great, really great friends who never failed to be there when I am all so drained out. Thanks to all of you :Shihong, Hangxin, William, Khye Yih, Reuben, Abigail..hehe.. ;) They made me believe that there are still hopes in life.Thanks.