Im Back! =)

hehe...it has been long since i last blogged....well....nothing much but i have started feeling great and happy these days, enjoying life to the bits. I no longer cry over nonsense....i no longer worry over nonsense.....i am just plain happy. I don't know what happiness means to u...but to me...is to break free from all the 'traps' that i was previously confined to....all cheers and lets smile together....=) till i update again....

Do not give up....

I know this post is rather late now...but it is better to be late than never...i finally changed my mind.....at first i thought...well i will just let it be...i am no longer able to contribute my support and care for someone i treasured so much....i would say the person is one of the most important person who walked into my life and at the same time who walked out....i thought i would just let him do what he likes and do not even bother if he has given up in something.....but it actually hurts my heart whenever i hear the response "sure die d...dun care la"....from the tone...although i did not hear it in the form of sound but only see it in the form of words...i could tell he was disappointed and has told himself that he doesn't want to bother anymore...personally...i put in a lot of effort in creating a situation where hopes are in abundance.....but somehow i didn't manage to fulfil in what i wanted to do.....i started it nicely....it went on to a climax and a great fall came in after that....to me, it was then my duty to create a comfortable and supportive atmosphere but today it is just merely a hope that i put in.....i really hope you won't give up so easily in whatever you're pursuing...not only in the upcoming ye sales.....but in anything else.....i really hope that you will one day develop a firm and sensible strength within yourself....do not sway from the path....i filled in every single small details i could, but it is still not enough....and i realised i can't change you...only you yourself can create hopes for yourself.....do keep this in mind....the key is be strong and firm...at the right time for the right things....

Baby Buggy Bunny....

As i flipped through my file, i found my long-no-use notepad which has Baby Bugs Bunny as its motif. It sudden'y reminded me of a long lost relationship..when i was fondly called Baby Buggy Bunny....i don't know why....why everything just can't be deleted of my mind??Is it true that humans have fond memories in their long term memories that can't be deleted??How i wish....it will disappear as i wake up the next morning. It brought back so much sweet memories i used to enjoy....Someone please enlighten me....why...why until now everything just stays in place in my mind as though it just happened last night? I have not exactly described about the Kuala Kangsar trip i went....but as the bus stopped by the petrol station.....it just came in a flick.....that was the exact petrol station and the exact place where the bus i took to KL last december stopped....I remembered it was then....under the moonlight of a december midnight....when....i shall not elaborate further about that though...i was wondering why such a small thing could bring back such great memories...if i had a choice i had rather not remember all those....my heart ails....humans....are always selfish.....who can blame me for feeling so upset for losing something i treasured so much to someone.....I really wish upon the stars and the moon...that everything will disappear from my thoughts and life would start anew...i regret....life was much better before being a baby buggy bunny.....at least i knew i had a great friend who will always be there for me then....but now...it is a different story.....

Failed.again

It feels like my head is cracking...not from the overloading of history facts but i don't know....i just feel so...after reading something...not books but just a mere testimonial. I closed my eyes to relax....it ended up spinnning...yes....my head went spinning....im feeling very pressured now....time after time i thought i will be alright but again time after time it failed me....time is running short.....though i admit dat time will never end but to me three months is more than enough for any miserable nonsense....but i really tried really very hard but why....why.....it still feels like i just got stabbed in my heart exactly like how i first felt...i lose control of myself....it is as if i have gone mad or perhaps a screw went out of place....i know it well enough that nobody will believe what i said about going unstable.....but u will know what i mean when you see it... It's an awful n sad sight...it's not fun holding onto my own head and struggle to calm down....no i don't need a psychiatrist or a psychologist......i just need someone to actually think and care about my feelings.....

Cheer up, Hot Water Miel....hehe

This post is specially dedicated to a friend of mine.Not gonna mention who..hehe....ehh...i noticed you have been kinda depressed these few weeks....cheer up okie?? I don't want to see you so down....don't always tell me you wanna die!!You make me wanna die more only...I know i myself is not always happy too...i have no rights to tell you to be happy....but then i really hope u will one day find someone u trust to confide in...and have more confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself. Although my emotions constantly change...i do still hope to see my close friends happy....especially those that i treasure alot....i might not know what is haunting you....but remember you always have a friend in me as well as the warmest hug...*hey dun squash me k* hehe...c'mon..show me your braces.....give me a broad smile...;) take care my friend....May my Hot Water Miel taste better after this....

~Miel~

Post-Holidays...

Holidays have bid us goodbye....in the start of this new term...everybody at school including the teachers are not in the pace yet...still trying to get used to the hectic school once again....Post-holidays syndrome huh??hehe well....things are better now.....i don't know why but i feel much better now...as compared to before....i no longer hold grudge in many things anymore....and little did i realised i am someone who forgets and forgives quite easily....=)....so hmm...just had the national science challenge competition this morning...the questions were of course tough...but what made it more interesting was i met some friends...some of whom i have not met since the year 2002 and another havent met since last year and another friend i have not seen for three weeks and another of whom i just partnered with for concert on sunday...Haha...I am sure there were many others of whom i didn't have the chance to see....I am always delighted when i meet my friends at competition...it gives a different kind of feeling.....eheh...alrite cut the crap bout that....let's get on...so i have been better as the school reopened....but somehow haven't got back the pace to work....i guess i still have a week more to work on that because the school currently is in kind of a mess with the whole class only had about 6 pupils....as the rest go for their aerobics and so on....i still have an allowance till next monday for me to get back on track as MSSM will officially start next monday...and all those aerobics thing will end by then....so hmm...little by little i am building up...but i would say life is rather boring.....wake up...school...tuition....homework...sleep.....maybe i have yet to discover what interests me....hope to find it soon but it is not always good though because i will be ermm...obsessed with it i believe....hehe....and ohh...regarding marks...right as i expected...just average marks....not too good.....but i am rather thankful....considering my situations n emotions then.....alright i think this is all for now....goodbye bloggiee....

I HATE BETRAYALS!!

Hey, do you guys out there know what is trust??I no longer know how to trust anyone anymore....I never trusted anyone in my life....until a few years back i started trusting people....but whenever i trusted some ppl....i get betrayed in the most unexpected way...Why must you guys do that to me??What have i done to u??I vowed to myself...from now on...i will trust no one but myself...Sometimes when you think you have the greatest of friends...it is all PURE crap....There is no such thing as great friends.....I just realised i have real useless friends who pretend and fake in front of me....Stop faking guys...I have learnt my lesson now...i trusted the wrong people....

Inner thoughts....

Tonight has been quite a usual night for me...nothing much...plain but yet complicated....I just browsed through the blog of the brother of a friend of mine....I found some many useful things that would put my mind to work....i was thinking hard as i read through....What do i really want??and why am i so stressed out??His blog answered all my questions....I realised that i have been expecting too much of myself, even beyond my abilities...and worse of it...i have not been putting in really that great of efforts as i previously thought....Therefore from this moment onwards, i decided i will no longer put my life on hold...but to pursue what i really want...I constantly remind myself that the tests i am going through is to make me a tougher person....a stronger being....and i will continue doing so...I will stop all the guilts that have been blinding my thoughts and to appreciate time better...Every minute has its value, although it is really minute....if you really put it to good use...and so i vowed to myself I WILL...no doubt my birthday is still months away for me to make a wish....this will however be my new aspiration....

What do i want from life??

I know i sound a lot like a lost teenager..But i really am. I am very unsure of what i really want from life. I feel so lost. Coming to think of it i feel weird....how come i failed in so many stuff??This is not what i want...but why can't i do something to change this??Anyone out there, if u have any comments just drop them....I need some help...

What a morning?

Hah...what a morning??this is definitely the worst morning i ever had. I was shivering...what else??MPYO audition...i was so nervous that i cranked up the songs i were to play...sighz...but what to expect?i have not been practising since three weeks ago till last night...

'SICK'

Haha...i really feel sick..but not sure what exactly is the sickness....i just don't feel good or happy or err cheerful or whatsoever....why can't Mr. Problems just leave me alone for a while??but i am not sad either...i just have the feeling of hollowness...as a result to all the problems i am facing....Sometimes i wonder....am i going mad??AM I??kler...wanna sign out to bed d....tomorrow will b a big day...the second violin audition in my life!!!hehe..but believe me...i did not really practise them....*laugh out loud* Goodnite, bloggiee.

Not in the mood....

I don't feel like doing anything...I just want to curl myself up in bed and hope that tomorrow never comes. This is not because i want to avoid problems but because i am unable to solve my problems and worries. I feel hopeless and useless at the same time. I lost something i treasured, i had deteriorated memory and brain power due to stress, poor health, poor results i supposed...and of course my wish to enter the music camp and MPYO is crushed....i have done everything i could to prevent these from happening but it remains the same. I FAILED!!

Sighz

I am stricken by anxiety and stress. I really wanted very badly to go to the National Music Camp once again...which was fun when i went there last year...I urged my dad to go to JPN to enquire about it ever since i think...February...All the response he gave was "okok..we will go when the school holidays comes"....well...i understand he is busy. I went to orchestra tonight after having missed it for i think more than two months..i found out that this time around to enter the camp, u need to go through some auditions. Ok but what makes it worse is the audition is TOMORROW...and that also means i wont have the chance to go anymore as pre registration is required. Sighz....moments later....i found out that I will be placed before an experienced, talented, distinction in diploma holder friend of mine for my upcoming audition to enter the Malaysian Philharmonic Youth Orchestra...Not only that, i was told that the audition slot for that whole hour (each person 10minutes) have been lined up for basically all the players from PSO...which also means i will meet back people of whom i know...and they consist of many many young talented violinists. Again, thats another blow for the night...I came home a little worried and panicky. I cranked up while talking on the phone with a friend of mine and my mom (my parents were out).....I don't know what should i do to calm myself down....=s

Determination

Determination?After all the ups and downs, i decided that i have no other choice but to brave the world with the word determination. I am determined to make a change to my life, not to dwell over the past anymore. But somehow i doubt if i could make it. Nobody could give me the assurance except myself...I HAVE TO....n I WILL!!Brave it, face it.

Dwelling Over The Past....

Coming to these, well i think it is the right time for me to express this in my blog.

I met someone very special three years back. It was then i got to know a great friend. He was someone who would always be there for me no matter what. We have been there for each other at times of ups and downs for the past two years till last year. Something quite awesome happened late last year. It was like the start of everything. I see real beauty in my life with his presence near me. However, life is never a bed of roses. We had some misunderstandings and it really affected us very badly.Eventually, a grave decision was made and that totally changes our relationship. The relationship and friendship is ruined. The feelings of togetherness never disappeared from my thoughts. It has been two months since and i have yet to find my path, myself.This question came across my mind, "Are we still friends?" everytime his eyes meet mine. The sorrow and tears in my eyes to me, is nothing as important as the friendship. I really treasure friendships be it special or not. Deep inside i really hope he understands my feelings. All I want is to keep the friendship because to me friends are not objects which you throw when u do not like it anymore. They are the people who will walk side by side with you up and down the hills of life. They are the people who is willing to share with you their thoughts and feelings. As for me, life is nothing without friends especially those near and dear to me. The pain of losing someone nearest and dearest to me is unbearable. Every moment i tried closing my eyes, the pictures of the happiness we had flash through my mind. I feel empty and weak, just like a toddler who falls while trying to take her first step. After all this, I have experience the pain losing a beloved friend. If you happen to read this, please do not have any hard feelings. Besides, i would really want to apologise to any friends of whom i have either directly or indirectly hurt.

Finally....

Finally, the exam is over!Nothing special about that but i have been waiting for this moment..hehe...no doubt the final liberation would be after my SPM, but who cares??I just feel great!Of course, I am not quite expecting any outstanding results this time around.I know i have not worked enough. And for those who do not know, SGGS has came up with a 'brilliant' idea where all students who do not get an A for their papers will be sent a letter to their parents.I am expecting a few letters though..*chuckles* hmm...I just feel great, that's all!!Not feeling great for expecting bad results but feeling great for i do not need to digest anymore facts today!And the joke for the day: While i was doing my EST paper this morning, instead of thinking and visualizing some Bio facts in my mind (Bio paper coming up)..I was actually thinking of what am i going to post later on this blog..haha and counting down the hours of exam left *laugh out loud*...But, what do you expect??i have been having to sit for the papers which in total came up to be more than 25 hours!!and for 10 continuous days!!

Hello Everybody!!

Well, well, well......Finally i decided to create my own blog to express my thoughts and feelings as i realised it is getting harder for me to spill them out through word of mouth...Right, so how is everyone out there?? I hope you guys are doing fine.I am not denying the fact that I am not quite alright. It is sad to say that I have lost a very big part of myself and now in midst of recovering it. Not to be forgotten, i would really want to acknowledge and thank some great, really great friends who never failed to be there when I am all so drained out. Thanks to all of you :Shihong, Hangxin, William, Khye Yih, Reuben, Abigail..hehe.. ;) They made me believe that there are still hopes in life.Thanks.